I was starting to get sick
and tired of mincing garlic cloves the traditional way by smashing them under
my knife and then dicing them up like crazy, because I like to use tons of
garlic in whatever I might be cooking and I like the garlic to be so finely
grated that the juice starts to ooze out. I’m slow and inaccurate with my
knife, and I like my fingers, so I decided that I needed to buy a garlic press.
My friends were all like “you’re a sell-out” and, “Just be a guy and smash ‘em up with your
knife, dude!”, like “why would you purchase a garlic press?”. But, fuck them! I
like the life of luxury and I have no time to dick around with old-fashioned
methods and new-fashioned resistance to these. I didn’t listen to them. I went
to Victoria’s Top Zagat Rated, most expensive, and newest culinary supply
outlet; COOK Culture 1317 Blanshard St. and
bought the most expensive garlic press they had. I seriously didn’t need the
preening, intrusive sales pitch that the worker there threw at me from the
instant I asked him where the garlic presses are, but that didn’t stop him from
working me up for the big purchase. They had more than one brand see? And they
are all expensive, but there’s a
midrange-priced one, and two more expensive ones up from that and finally, the
supreme choice, the most expensive one. Everything below the mid-range was the
same price. This guy’s sales technique was to tempt with the prospect of the
third most expensive to suggest a strategy of getting the customer to hopefully
look up and pay more, but if failing this and lowering his price-target, most
likely still falling above the median. A clever duck, but I thwarted his little
pas de deux by angrily informing him I would simply buy the most expensive one,
no questions asked. He looked a little hurt actually, and sweat was forming on
his brow, but that’s ok, service should know its place. I snatched the stupid
looking garlic press off the display-wall, accidentally taking the metal rod it
hung on with it, ignored the mess I created for him to deal with, and marched up to the cash-register as he came
clambering after me. He’s all cutesie and trying to be friends as soon as he’s behind
the cash, and just to be conversational he tries to tell me about the LIFETIME
GUARANTEE this thing has on it. "If it Breaks! You get a new one!" Dead eyed, I
hand him the money and leave. That store makes me feel weird.
So, about this garlic
press I spent way too much money on…
Here it is
 |
| Quisipro Counter Top Garlic Press (note the removable parts) |
I know, I know. It even
looks stupid. What did I expect? It
really was a bad purchase. I should have thought about it a little harder,
instead I was all “I’m gonna get a restaurant grade, walk in wine cellar with
climate control next, and couture humidors for holding my platnum credit cards! I’ll be
like Emeril with this shiz!” I’ll admit it, it was my bad. I should have
actually looked at the item before I bought it because one glance is all you
need to see this is a useless piece of crap. And I can tell you right away what is wrong.
It is the culture of the designers that created it. They all think they are
Marc Newson, they have convinced themselves that there is some sort of definitive
aesthetical standard, and wind up making work that resembles a student trying
to flatter his teacher, rather than have anything to do with practical
application. I should have bought one that looked like this…
 |
| Sure, you still have to wash it, but at least you can! |
Or this…
 |
| A Real Man's Garlic Press! |
Simple, I know, but instead I purchased my way
into no end of garlic pressing headaches. The jalopy I chose seems to present no end
of problems. It’s got 3 different small detachable parts that are easily lost,
for one. That’s an instant fail in my garlic press book, but it has worse,
technical difficulties when you actually get it out of the box and put it to
use. For one; when you squish the garlic clove in the (removable and plastic) receptacle,
more than half of the garlic goes up the sides, and you have to fish it out with
your fingers. Next; where the crushed garlic comes out… It’s not flush with the
surface of the handle! So you can’t scrape it off with a knife and all the
crushed garlic just collects in this recess. It’s like the dumbest, most
obvious design flaw. It makes me think they didn’t test a prototype, because
FUCK PIECE-SHIT DON’T WORK!!! Oh, it’s got a lifetime guarantee alright. If it
ever breaks… and let me tell you, I’ve tried. This hunk of garbage is indeed
indestructible, so it will come in real handy when I want to crush garlic
ineffectually during a nuclear holocaust, sure, but other than that, I feel that I have
been had! Absolutely DO NOT BUY the Cuisipro Brand Countertop Garlic Press
(with lifetime guarantee). You might as well throw your money down the toilet.
Official Trough & Gutter
Rating: ZERO
