Thursday, January 12, 2012

Garlic Press Nightmare


I was starting to get sick and tired of mincing garlic cloves the traditional way by smashing them under my knife and then dicing them up like crazy, because I like to use tons of garlic in whatever I might be cooking and I like the garlic to be so finely grated that the juice starts to ooze out. I’m slow and inaccurate with my knife, and I like my fingers, so I decided that I needed to buy a garlic press. My friends were all like “you’re a sell-out” and,  “Just be a guy and smash ‘em up with your knife, dude!”, like “why would you purchase a garlic press?”. But, fuck them! I like the life of luxury and I have no time to dick around with old-fashioned methods and new-fashioned resistance to these. I didn’t listen to them. I went to Victoria’s Top Zagat Rated, most expensive, and newest culinary supply outlet; COOK Culture 1317 Blanshard St. and bought the most expensive garlic press they had. I seriously didn’t need the preening, intrusive sales pitch that the worker there threw at me from the instant I asked him where the garlic presses are, but that didn’t stop him from working me up for the big purchase. They had more than one brand see? And they are all expensive, but there’s a midrange-priced one, and two more expensive ones up from that and finally, the supreme choice, the most expensive one. Everything below the mid-range was the same price. This guy’s sales technique was to tempt with the prospect of the third most expensive to suggest a strategy of getting the customer to hopefully look up and pay more, but if failing this and lowering his price-target, most likely still falling above the median. A clever duck, but I thwarted his little pas de deux by angrily informing him I would simply buy the most expensive one, no questions asked. He looked a little hurt actually, and sweat was forming on his brow, but that’s ok, service should know its place. I snatched the stupid looking garlic press off the display-wall, accidentally taking the metal rod it hung on with it, ignored the mess I created for him to deal with, and marched up to the cash-register as he came clambering after me. He’s all cutesie and trying to be friends as soon as he’s behind the cash, and just to be conversational he tries to tell me about the LIFETIME GUARANTEE this thing has on it. "If it Breaks! You get a new one!" Dead eyed, I hand him the money and leave. That store makes me feel weird.
  So, about this garlic press I spent way too much money on… Here it is

Quisipro Counter Top Garlic Press (note the removable parts)

 I know, I know. It even looks stupid. What did I expect? It really was a bad purchase. I should have thought about it a little harder, instead I was all “I’m gonna get a restaurant grade, walk in wine cellar with climate control next, and couture humidors for holding my platnum credit cards! I’ll be like Emeril with this shiz!” I’ll admit it, it was my bad. I should have actually looked at the item before I bought it because one glance is all you need to see this is a useless piece of crap. And I can tell you right away what is wrong. It is the culture of the designers that created it. They all think they are Marc Newson, they have convinced themselves that there is some sort of definitive aesthetical standard, and wind up making work that resembles a student trying to flatter his teacher, rather than have anything to do with practical application. I should have bought one that looked like this…

Sure, you still have to wash it, but at least you can!
  Or this…
A Real Man's Garlic Press!
    Simple, I know, but instead I purchased my way into no end of garlic pressing headaches. The jalopy I chose seems to present no end of problems. It’s got 3 different small detachable parts that are easily lost, for one. That’s an instant fail in my garlic press book, but it has worse, technical difficulties when you actually get it out of the box and put it to use. For one; when you squish the garlic clove in the (removable and plastic) receptacle, more than half of the garlic goes up the sides, and you have to fish it out with your fingers. Next; where the crushed garlic comes out… It’s not flush with the surface of the handle! So you can’t scrape it off with a knife and all the crushed garlic just collects in this recess. It’s like the dumbest, most obvious design flaw. It makes me think they didn’t test a prototype, because FUCK PIECE-SHIT DON’T WORK!!! Oh, it’s got a lifetime guarantee alright. If it ever breaks… and let me tell you, I’ve tried. This hunk of garbage is indeed indestructible, so it will come in real handy when I want to crush garlic ineffectually during a nuclear holocaust, sure, but other than that, I feel that I have been had! Absolutely DO NOT BUY the Cuisipro Brand Countertop Garlic Press (with lifetime guarantee). You might as well throw your money down the toilet.

Official Trough & Gutter Rating: ZERO

5 comments:

  1. The "Sure, you still have to wash it, but at least you can!" garlic press was by a very large margin the best, fastest garlic press I've ever owned (and I've owned about a dozen). I really want another (after much use the spot welds on the plunger part broke). Do you have any idea where to buy them online?

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    1. You sir, have effectively trolled the troll. Congratulations.

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  2. Funny - I was just searching for the "you have to wash it but at least you can" model, as I too have found it to be the best garlic press I have ever used, and mine also died of fatigue after several years of hard use. After days of frustration trying to find it using the normal search methods, I Googled images for "Large Garlic Press" - the first image brought me here, the second brought me to a place called "Starwest Botanicals" http://www.starwest-botanicals.com/product/1-jumbo-garlic-press.html where I found it!

    Thanks!!!

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  3. look guys, i got it at a local farmer's market. it truly is the best garlic press in all of creation.
    thanks for your interest but this blog is not about helping web-surfers find links. hope that doesnt come off as rude, but, i honestly dont know where to get, maybe try the link from kind commenter above, or reverse google image search.
    good luck and may your garlic get crushed efficiently.

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